So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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