Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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