I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
