A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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