She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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