We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
