she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
