Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
