You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
