operation have a gay friend backfired
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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