I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
