I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
