I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
