he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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