from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
