Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
