Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
