Me. At least after what I've been through.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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