my sisters under your porch take her home
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
