so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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