Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
