2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
