You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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