We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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