if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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