it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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