Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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