her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
