i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
