just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
