I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
