I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
