Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
