Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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