My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
