So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I think I am morally bankrupt
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
