just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
