I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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