I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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