What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
