Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
