im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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