Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Green mimosas i think yes
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
