Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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