We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
