Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
