I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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