eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
