I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My vagina is very pro this idea
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