i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
